Ice Cream

All right. I had this posted on Myspace as Nov 9, 2007, but it came from Multiply before that, so it's actually somewhere around December 2006. fame

The Jenn I'm talking about here is Jenn from Cupcakes 4 Breakfast fame. I like knowing that I will get the chance to say "I knew her when..." and then keep the extortion money coming in. That thought alone makes me smile on cloudy days. Not snowy. Never on snowy days. But cloudy days, yes.

Jess

I was having a conversation with Jenn...almost a month ago.

I remember the talk as occurring in that point of my life after I quit smoking when I had some time absolutely alone, and was eating anything which in any light could be construed as "food" or "sweet".

This list of potential food stuffs included but was not limited to:

French toast, mashed potatoes with chicken gravy, chocolate, the color brown, oatmeal, hickory smoked anything but red meat, scented candles, yellow crayons, cough drops, whipped cream, pumpkin pie, and no less than five half gallons, two pints, and three medium Blizzard's worth of ice cream.

To my own relief, I would like to mention that there was not, at any time, a "diet soda" in this list. The hypocrisy of it all may have killed me. Not the lard coursing sluggishly through my PMS-addled, nicotine-yearning veins, but the sheer hypocrisy of a diet soda after wondering aloud if I could fit an entire candy bar in my mouth, thereby saving me the effort of bending my elbow. Damned ergonomics.

Anyhoo, I had remarked to Jenn that I had been eating "some" mint chocolate chip ice cream, (Not that Jenn had any idea how much ice cream I was eating at the time. It's not like I said..."Hey...I have a half-gallon container of ice cream and a spoon"...I'm sure she thought that I was having a "bowl" or something cute like that. *shakes head*) and I was dismayed to see Jenn say "Mint? Eh, that's all right, but no thanks."

Jenn. No. Bad Jenn. It's not like that. I could sense her opinion of me changing in that moment. I was going to be Jess, that person who loves MINT ice cream. MINT.

I could feel Jenn thinking," I mean, really...can I even talk to Jess any more? "

"Mint?

"Unbelievable.

Here's the thing:

I like mint chocolate chip ice cream. I do.

I like mint chocolate chip ice cream as that friend that you don't see often. I like mint chocolate chip ice cream as the acquaintance that you wile away a few minutes chatting with while you're waiting in line at the grocery store, or the friend that you never actually make plans with, not because you don't like them as a person, but because you have a fear that if you actually had to spend a lot of time with them, you would have to face the fact that you have no real passion or drive to KEEP knowing this person. And that would be bad.

But in a public location, while other people are around, and in small doses.... I like mint chocolate chip ice cream.

I like chocolate ice cream, too. The thing with chocolate ice cream, though, is that I feel as though I have really outgrown chocolate ice cream.

Chocolate ice cream is the guy that you used to be SO hot over. The guy who gave you the first French kiss that actually got you going, not the bad French kiss that made you wonder, mid-kiss, where anyone had ever gotten the idea that two tongues and all the accompanying saliva could ever be construed as a good time.

Chocolate ice cream is that guy that you saw for a little while in your younger years, that one who you wanted to have with you all the time, the one who made your knees weak.

Please notice that all of that was written in the past tense. You have seen chocolate ice cream around since then, and, shall we say, the bloom is off the rose. He drinks a lot now, doesn't shave, and has man-boobs which are almost as large as your own.

The playful banter which you shared and enjoyed so much in the past has really gotten trite, and you wonder just what it was you had seen in chocolate ice cream to begin with, because there is certainly no spark now.

You can't help but look at chocolate ice cream with this combination of embarrassment and incredulity when you see him now, and hope that he won't notice you as you walk by, and make nervous smiles and quick excuses when he taps you on the shoulder or says your name.

I might hang out with you every now and again, chocolate ice cream, but it's only out of pity.

Coffee ice cream. This guy doesn't mess around. He's hot, and thinks you're hot. He knows what you want, and he's going to be the one to give it to you.

Hard.

Whatever you're looking for, this coffee ice cream is the guy who aims to please and delivers. He's kinky, but in a way which makes you think "sophisticated palate" instead of "perverse disgusting freak".

What makes the difference?

Coffee is s-m-o-o-o-o-o-t-h.

Coffee raises an eyebrow at you and you're instantly plotting how you can get a spoon in him. And when. And where.

So, in case the rest of the ice cream world is wondering where I have been since the last time I saw mint chocolate chip ice cream, I have been chained up in coffee ice creams dungeon, doing very bad things, and enjoying those bad things tremendously.

Hard.

And often.

With a spoon.